Sad Day
We’ve all heard and uttered the same clichés – life is short, only the good die young, better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, etc – yet in the face of death, what consolation do they provide? What purpose do they serve?
Have you ever faced your own mortality? Has something so profound and life-altering ever happened to you where you thought to yourself “I could actually die of something other than old age”? It happened for me in 2003. Up until that point, while I had been to more funerals than weddings (sadly) and was no stranger to loss, I was not one to contemplate, or agonize over, death. I was too busy living a very blessed life. In 2003, my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband, Mitch) was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…”the good cancer”. Does that sound oxymoronic to anyone else? “Cancer” and “good” used in the same sentence? It just didn’t seem right, yet that’s what the oncologists had coined it. We later learned that his cancer was very advanced – Stage III as the doctors referred to it. Only a Stage IV diagnosis would have been more severe. Nothing about his situation seemed “good” to us, despite the oncologists being hopeful (it turns out, with good reason).
After six months of aggressive chemotherapy and a month of radiation the cancer seemed to have been beat, and I am happy to share that he continues to be in remission to this day. Those days were some of the darkest I’ve ever had to endure and my whole perspective and outlook on life are different because of them.
At that time, it was not common for “young” people to have to deal with cancer. So you may be surprised to hear how many times people would say to me (or behind my back) how wonderful I was for standing by Mitch and that it takes a “special kind of person” to do what I was doing. This never ceased to disappoint me. I felt anything but heroic. I felt heartbroken, discouraged, optimistic, pessimistic, scared, numb, helpless, hopeful, scared, exhausted, defeated and – did I mention scared? – depending on the day. A few people even said to me – with what I’m sure were my best interests in mind – that it wasn’t too late and would be perfectly understandable if I were to walk away. This was never an option for me and what they were suggesting was unfathomable. I was in love with this person. Although we weren’t married at that time, I felt very committed to “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…”
I remember bouts of self-pity. It seemed really unfair that it had taken me so long to meet a man who I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and then – in an instant – it could all be taken away. In his remission, for the time we were together (which included our engagement and marriage) I remember feeling intensely grateful for a second chance at life. I felt that this second chance was as much mine as it was his and I continue to be guided by this gratitude every day.
My own painful memories come back naturally from time to time but are triggered most when I hear of those who aren’t so lucky and it’s always most difficult when I know the people involved. Since 2005 I have lost more than five people who I love – to cancer – and I know too many others who are affected by it every day. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate.
On April 16th, I got devastatingly sad news. An old high school and camp friend, Brett, had died that morning. I knew that he had been battling brain cancer and had overcome several major surgeries. Although I hadn’t seen Brett or his wife (Amy) since high school – thanks to Facebook, I was able to follow their journey and let them know I was thinking about them. They recently welcomed their new son to the world and I can only imagine how magical that must have been for Brett and Amy and what a bright light he will continue to cast for Amy in this time of mourning.
I now understand a little better why people made the comments they did about my commitment to Mitch through his illness. I have admired Amy’s strength and courage, poise and grace, from afar and while I cannot profess to know what she is feeling and experiencing, I do have a great deal of sympathy and think her love for Brett is a beautiful thing.
Without having spent time with Brett and Amy as a couple it was evident through the stories I heard, the pictures I saw, the updates I read and the few messages that we exchanged that they were “the real deal”. Two people deeply in love and committed to each other. I know love when I see it and, really, I should. I’m the sappy, hopeful (not hopeless), incurable romantic who has decided that creating love for others is her life’s work.
The depth of sadness that I feel, and the intensity with which I can remember and picture Brett, are testament to the person he was. It is impossible to speak about Brett without referencing his million-dollar smile. As you can see from the picture below, his smile radiates with goodness and warmth and kindness. He was, by far, one of the nicest, most genuine, and most likeable people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and I’m certain that I’m not alone in my thinking. His and Amy’s Facebook walls are plastered with sentiments from friends and family – near and far – honouring Brett’s joyful spirit and sharing memories to be forever cherished. Brett is someone who will never be forgotten – regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve seen him or how long your friendship with him was. He has clearly touched all those who knew him, me included.
My thoughts, condolences and sympathy go out to Brett’s and Amy’s families (including Brett’s sister and son), their friends and their acquaintances. The world was definitely a much better place because of him.
I have chosen to share a little bit of my story and to honour Brett’s memory because of what I experience every day. Too many single people who are living exasperated lives…fatigued, disenchanted, frustrated, bored, lonely and, sometimes, angry…as they search for their “perfect” mate. Married couples settling into frenetic lives of routine, schedule coordination and over-programmed children. It seems that it’s only when we’re confronted with immense loss or hardship that we refocus our attention toward what really matters.
I challenge you to stop and think – right now – about the people you love and of those who love you. All of them. What if – God forbid – one of them was not here tomorrow, or the next time you went to phone them? Would you have any regrets? Now think about where you spend most of your time, money and energy. How much of it is being spent on the people you love and who love you and – whatever the amount/ratio/percentage – are you OK with it?
My hope for you – regardless of your romantic status – is that you love, and are loved, every day. Please don’t wait for a tomorrow that may never come. When you are given the gift of love - as so many are not – please cherish it and nurture it, every day, in every way you know how, with every ounce of your being.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Boy Meets Woman
I have an admission to make on this public forum. It’s a realization I’ve recently come to. I am not consistent in meeting self-imposed blog deadlines. When I created this website, a social-marketing-guru-friend (shout-out to HOOPLAH Inc – www.hooplah.com – thanks LH) suggested that I blog “regularly” at whatever interval I felt I could commit to. In being realistic about my capacity and schedule, I “committed” to once a month…more specifically, on the 14th of each month. As I post this on the 15th of February – one day late and following my January delinquency where I posted nothing – I am abandoning this monthly schedule and freeing myself of the undue pressure it’s been creating in my already hectic life. From now on, you’ll just have to check back in here frequently (that is, if you’re remotely interested in reading this blog), or follow us on Twitter (@SittingIn_ATree) or on Facebook (Sitting In A Tree) so that you’re notified each time a new blog gets posted. Regardless of how you stumbled upon this blog today, I’m glad you did and thank you for taking the time.
So, today I want to talk about cougars. I was on a dating website yesterday afternoon – procrastinating writing this blog entry – in search of suitable mates for a few of my matchmaking clients. It’s worth noting that I have my own, legitimate profile on said dating site, and that I’m a 36-year old woman. Shortly after I logged in a 22-year old male requested an IM (instant message) chat with me. I recognized his online name. I don’t often get contacted by 22-year olds (I’m much more popular among the 50+ crowd). I recognized his online name because we had just exchanged messages the week before.
When he contacted me last week and I saw his age…after I threw up a little bit in my mouth…I quickly went to decline his invitation to chat and wanted to make him go away. Something stopped me though. I had just finished coaching a female client the evening before to be more open to talking with any and every man who crossed her path (the rationale for which could be the topic of another blog entry…e-mail me if you’re interested). Less than 24 hours later it seemed hypocritical of me to go against my own advice. So, I found myself clicking the “yes” button, inviting this young man onto my computer screen. I expected him to say something within the first two sentences that would make me regret my decision and allow me to justify ending the chat, but that didn’t happen. He was polite, engaging and full of flattery…but not too much where it seemed disingenuous or cheesy. We chatted for about five minutes, he asked if he could add me to Facebook, I said “sure, why not?”, and that was that.
Yesterday, after I again accepted his invitation to chat, he started with the typical “how was your weekend” banter. He then asked “what have you been up to?” to which I replied “Enjoying life”, to which he replied “have any hot sex?” BOOM!!! with the attitude as my little 6-year old friend Jory would say. And there you have it friends and readers. Online dating at its best (insert sarcasm). I knew what he was hoping for (cyber sex, a real-life encounter – just in case this isn’t obvious), and maybe…just maybe…if I were ten years younger (read: naïve), I might’ve taken the bait (who doesn’t enjoy a bit of flattery?). Being the evolved, liberated woman that I am though, I did respond with “I do not feel comfortable discussing my sex life with cyber friends”, to which he replied “fair enough”. He did, however, continue to pursue and I had to give him credit for trying.
My boundaries are, perhaps, broader than yours…but not to worry. I know where to locate (and how to use) the “Block User” feature on all dating sites. I have my Muay Thai boxing moves ready to go – especially the mean right elbow I’m told will slice a person’s face open. I sleep with knives under my bed (KIDDING). Anyway…point being…while my patience and willingness to engage a horny 22-year old may have far exceeded what is considered “required”, polite or normal, I do not feel that it came at any cost to me. I asked him “have you not yet fulfilled your older woman fantasy?” to which he replied (without hesitation) “nope”. OK…so now you’re certainly wondering why I would continue chatting with this young man and some of you may be thinking “cougar” but the truth is I like to help people and kinda felt sorry for the kid. Here he is…in pursuit of a popular male fantasy and getting nowhere with me. I wanted to both save him some time and give him some pointers. So, I suggested that he not try so hard and that he be more forthcoming with the next woman he meets. The truth is we – as “older women” – usually know what’s going on when a younger man approaches us…especially online. I thought that it might serve the little “cub” well to just put his fantasy “out there” and be patient. I was confident that in doing so, his mission would eventually be accomplished. There are, after all, many women out there seeking “boy toys”…aren’t there? Hence the topic of this blog – cougars.
So…what is a cougar? Does anyone agree on its definition? I’m (obviously?) not talking about the predatory mammal from the family Felidae, native to the Americas but, rather, the term used – quite liberally in my opinion – to describe older women engaging in sexual activity with younger men.
I’ve been called a cougar. I’ve felt like a cougar (hence why I threw up a little bit in my mouth when my 22-year old friend first contacted me). I’ve been accused of wanting to be a cougar. I’ve been told I’m the furthest thing from a cougar. Regardless of the circumstances, I’m never sure how to react. Sometimes I think being called a cougar is a compliment and that I should take it as such. Other times, I shudder at the thought. My challenge is that I don’t know that I fully understand what it means and when I’ve endeavoured to find out (usually through my male network) my genuine curiousity has been misinterpreted as defensiveness and I’m told “don’t worry about it, you’re still hot”. (Such nice friends I have.)
According to Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) there are over 100 definitions of “cougar”, of which these are just a few:
An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.
A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar’s victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.
Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name “Cougar.”
Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don’t have to sneak up and attack…they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won’t ask if they’ll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.
I would love to hear from you on all matters “cougar’. What do you think about cougars? What do you think about relationships involving older women and younger men? What have you experienced? Tell me – here or by e-mailing stacie@sittinginatree.com. Until next time.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
www.gogoodguy.com
Ever wondered where the Good Guys are?
Yeah…*heavy sigh*…me too.
The good news is that they are out there. Everybody knows at least one (Good Guy, that is). Ask around, you’ll see I’m right. Unfortunately, “bad” is often sexier than “good” and draws more attention. A horribly painful break-up story is always far more compelling than an amicable and mutual split, right?
I also think it’s unfair to categorically label men as either a “bad boy” or a “Good Guy”. As many of us know, bad boys often turn into some of the best Good Guys when, and only when, they meet “The One”. That is part of what makes them so attractive…the desire to capture their elusive heart. Similarly, and sadly, I’ve seen many a Good Guy slip into bad boy territory because of an unfortunate bad girl. To that end, I do believe the two terms (bad boy/Good Guy) are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I also believe that the same conversation could be had about Good Women and bad girls.
My quest, however, remains the same…to find, celebrate and honour the Good Guys. By most people’s accounts they seem to be in much shorter supply than Good Girls and said Good Girls are losing hope on a daily basis, by the dozens, which is just plain sad.
Please visit www.gogoodguy.com. Read the stories that have been posted. Share your own story. Tell your friends about the site. Encourage them to submit their stories. “Like” the site on Facebook. Join the Facebook Group “Go Good Guy”. Befriend GoGood Guy on Facebook. Join the mission. Support the cause.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
A Match Made On Palmerston Avenue
Matchmaking is not a new concept. In fact, it is one of the oldest professions in history. In some foreign cultures, it continues to be deeply woven into the ethnic fibre as a common practice. In North America, the mention of Norman Jewison’s film adaptation of the 1964 Broadway musical “Fiddler on the Roof” may have some singing: “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…find me a find, catch me a catch…”. For others, the word matchmaker conjures up images of Patti Stanger and her popular reality TV show. And still, for others, the word means very little. Read More
Dream A Little Dream – Part One
On October 16th I auditioned to be the “Dating and Relationship Expert” on The Marilyn Denis Show (www.marilyn.ca), which airs beginning in January 2011. It has proven to be a memorable , unique and exciting experience and one that I believe is worth sharing.
On Saturday, October 2nd my cousin, Cara, sent me a message suggesting that I audition to be the dating and relationship expert on the new Marilyn Denis show. Given that this was the first I was hearing about it, my initial reaction, and response, went something like this: “I’m a single divorcée, what the _____ do I know about dating and relationships???”. To which Cara replied: “Elana (Cara’s sister) and I think you’d be perfect for it”. I thought to myself: “Oh, well, ok, I guess that settles that!!!”. Ummmm…NOT. Read More
A New Beginning
In February 2010 I left a senior role I had occupied in the corporate sector for six years. Here is the e-mail I sent to my extended network at that time:
Friends and colleagues:
I hope that 2010 has been treating you well so far and that this e-mail finds you in a good place in your life. For some of you, I’ll be happy if this e-mail finds you at all, as it’s been so long.
After six incredibly challenging and rewarding years, I have made the decision to leave [unnamed company]. It was the second most difficult decision I’ve had to make in my life, and not one made in haste or without the appropriate degree of consideration. My last day is Wednesday, March 31st.
I can see many of you frowning, asking: “who leaves a secure and successful role with a good company, with nowhere to go to???” I do! Whether I’m brave or foolish remains to be seen, however, at the time of this writing I’m happy and comfortable with my decision. I am taking advantage of my childless, single status while I can. Lol. I realized – after sending many of you a similar note a few months back, sharing my desire to begin exploring other opportunities – that I wasn’t focused on my career search. Creating a timeline – via a resignation letter – was just the impetus I needed. I am giving myself the time and the space I need to conduct a dedicated, thorough search, where I will have few distractions.
I am excited at the prospect of a new career opportunity and am hoping that you’ll support me by keeping your eyes and ears open. Whether you know me professionally or personally, you likely have a sense for my ambition, passion and energy. Over the coming weeks I’m looking to expand my network, identify opportunities of interest, and begin the interview process. I’m looking for a fast-paced, leadership position in an environment in need of a change agent. If you know of anything I should take a look at or anyone you think I should talk to, I would love to hear about it.
Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any leads or ideas you may know of!
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely,
Stacie
So…what happened between now and then? How is it that I now find myself founder and President of a relationship consulting company…or, more simply put, a matchmaker? I wish that I had paid more attention to the details as they were happening so that I could more accurately chronicle this journey but the truth is, I’m not the most planful person. I’m deliberate, impulsive, intuitive, street smart and decisive…but planful I am not. So, high-level, this is what happened. At some point during my blissful unemployment I discovered Patti Stanger and her TV show Millionaire Matchmaker…during a marathon. I think I watched six episodes straight…maybe more…possibly eight. Despite admiring Patti for her talents, I remember thinking “Hey…I can do that. I’d LOVE to do that. I’d be so good at that. I should really DO that”.
Shortly after the marathon I began casually talking about wanting to be a matchmaker. I don’t know that I had yet given it the proper consideration or thought, but I was testing the waters. Looking for reactions, gauging who my supporters would be, and seeing how it felt to make such a declaration. Reactions were almost entirely positive. Of course there were the skeptics, however mostly out of concern for my ability to earn a living. People were, for the most part, intrigued, inquisitive and excited about the idea. I, on the other hand, was far away from being prepared to commit to this as a new career direction. It actually almost seemed that the more excited people were about the concept, the more I shied away. I was initially fearful that such an endeavour would require a substantial sacrifice in terms of my freedom, financial stability and independence. (I did eventually realize that it was not uncommon for me to have worked 80+ hours/week in the past and that if I had to do it again I might rather do so in the name of love). At no point, however, was I unsure about my ability to conceive of, and execute, the business plan. I felt then, and I still do, that matchmaking is similar to Executive Recruitment (aka headhunting) – a part of my career I had once enjoyed very much. I was confident in my ability to use my interpersonal and networking skills to be successful in this business. I guess I just wasn’t ready. Some days I talked about my “maybe” matchmaking business more than others. I did, however, make a statement – I’m not sure exactly when – that if I didn’t have a corporate leadership opportunity that I was adequately excited about by September 30th then I would go forward with this idea.
So, from March to September, for all intents and purposes, I conducted a job search as originally intended. The premature spring weather and fantastic summer heat got in the way of my search – moderately – as I made ample use of friends’ and family’s cottages. I am grateful for them, their cottages and my excessive free time. The decompression process was a slow one and it wasn’t until mid-June that I realized that the stress and emotion I had been internalizing and collecting had finally dissipated. Now fully relaxed, I had a fair number of carefully selected interviews during the summer (and a few prior) and networked like crazy – my LinkedIn network went from 0 to just under 3000 connections, and turned down a few opportunities.
This had proved to be a much-needed and well-deserved vacation and I am thankful that I allowed myself such an indulgent luxury. In early October, with renewed energy and a greater sense of purpose (after a unique experience which I’ll blog about separately), I formalized my matchmaking business plan (yes, I actually wrote one…put pen to paper), sought out the necessary financing and sent out the following e-mail to family and friends:
It’s official…I am now your local matchmaker. That’s right. I decided to go for it. Assuming you know me, even just a little bit, this makes a lot of sense to you and is something I’ve been talking about doing, off and on, since I left [unnamed company]. Although the plan – when I left – was to rejoin the corporate sector in a similar capacity, it became apparent to me over the past six months that I have been completely uninspired…simultaneously by the opportunities available and the lack thereof. Nothing seemed challenging enough. Nothing seemed rewarding, or fulfilling, enough. I often asked myself some tough questions and kept arriving at the same conclusion…I want to try my hand at this matchmaking gig. It encompasses so many of my passions and allows me to leverage the pieces I enjoyed most about the recruiting industry.
So, as I get ready for a more public launch, I wanted to let you – my family and friends – know what I was doing. The company is called Sitting In A Tree…which, again – if you know me – is so me. Nostalgic, a tad sappy, cute, fun, whimsical and spirited. The website – which is under construction – is www.sittinginatree.com. I am interested in hearing from all single people who are committed to finding a long-term partner. I have several different ways in which I will work with clients and am looking for quality clients versus quantity. All of the services offered are customized – tailored specifically to each client – so the first step is a consultation, offered free of charge. As I expect that prospective clients will be discerning, I too intend on being selective about who I work with, therefore, the purpose of the consultation is to ensure that there is a “fit’. To that end, I will be relying heavily on my network (you) for word-of-mouth promotion and quality referrals. Closer to my launch date (mid-late December) I will be sending a follow-up e-mail for you to share with your networks. This e-mail will provide information on how your network – and their networks – can engage Sitting In A Tree’s services.
In the interim, if you know of anybody who you think might benefit from Sitting In A Tree’s services, please feel free to have them contact me – at the number below, Stacie@sittinginatree.com, Facebook (Stacie Ikka or GoGood Guy) or LinkedIn (Stacie Ikka).
This e-mail led to Sitting In A Tree’s first two clients and the rest, as they say, is history.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …