D.I.L.F.
Question (which has been slightly edited to preserve the anonymity of those involved):
Anonymous 20-something female writes:
Hi Stacie,
A friend of mine recently embarked upon your blog and I have since caught up on your past blogs. Great website!
I am writing you because I was curious to hear your opinion concerning significant age differences for dating/sexual encounters. To be more specific, this involves two individuals whereby the man is over twenty years older than the woman (she is in her 20s), not to mention he has children (not much younger than her)! My friend who discovered your blog is seeing this man and I am so concerned for her well-being. I know little about this man and his intentions, but it worries me that there is such a significant age difference, not to mention a generational difference. They are at such different stages of their lives – him as a father, while she is beginning her career. I know it is her place to make a personal decision but she rarely speaks about her feelings given she knows the situation itself is highly controversial and seemingly unacceptable.
I was wondering if you would consider blogging about this controversial topic. I would appreciate your wisdom and advice on this matter!
Look forward to hearing from you!
STACIE SAYS:
I can understand why you’re concerned, that is definitely a significant age difference which is amplified by the fact that their priorities are so (presumably) different right now – as you mentioned – her beginning a career, him as a father with parenting responsibilities.
Without knowing your friend (including her patterns of behaviour, her dating history and her vulnerabilities) it’s difficult for me to offer an opinion on whether this particular relationship is an unhealthy one or whether there’s cause for further concern. Even if I did share your concern for your friend, this is likely something that needs to play out. If you feel that her physical safety is in jeopardy or that there is any kind of abuse present then I recommend that you call me to discuss further.
For most of my adult life I have gravitated toward older men. When I was 21 years old I dated a man who was 33 years old (and my family and friends will challenge that he was that young…apparently he looked like an “old man”, although I didn’t see it because I was so intrigued by him). Friends, family and colleagues all had variations of the same skepticism: “An older man only wants one thing with a girl your age”. That unsolicited consensus turned out to be accurate. Well…only partially. He did want only one thing – but it wasn’t sex (although he wanted that too) – it was marriage. He was looking for a wife. We dated for 18 months before deciding that marital bliss was not ours to be shared.
I tell this story this for two reasons:
1) I had a curiosity, at an early age, about older men and I know that I’m not alone. Almost 16 years, and many relationships later, I do not regret the experience despite a painful break-up and some lingering consequences. I also now understand where my tendency toward older men came from and it’s given me tremendous insight into myself as I engage in new relationships. Your friend may have the same tendency and if that’s the case she needs to have the freedom to explore it. It could be a rite of passage for her, per se, and I’m hopeful that she too will look back – with the benefit of hindsight – with few regrets and many lessons learned.
2) Not all (older) men are created equal. My ex-boyfriend was not the sex-addicted, may-as-well-be-a-pedophile perv everyone assumed him to be. While it seems odd that this father has an interest in your much younger friend, his intentions could be honourable. By your own admission, you don’t know what his intentions are and perhaps benefit of the doubt is appropriate right now.
I don’t know that the nature of your friend’s relationship could be considered controversial in this day and age, despite how uncomfortable it may make you (or others) feel. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, who have 25 years between them, or Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn. She’s 26 and he’s 50…with children and at least two ex-wives. I know what you’re thinking. “But they’re celebrities…it’s different!!!” While that may be somewhat true, it’s also a fact that you see these same unconventional relationships in “real life”. Just as with Hollywood couples, sometimes they work, and sometimes they don’t.
When we look at the issue of age in isolation (or any one variable, by itself) we cannot possibly be seeing the full picture. Personally, I’ve dated men 16 years older than me and more than ten years younger than me. I came out of all of them relatively unscathed and in most cases age had little to do with the break-up. My unhealthiest and most toxic relationship had nothing to do with an age difference and my two *favourite* post-divorce relationships were with one man who is 13 years older than me and one man who is ten years younger than me (and I don’t mean you SW). Relationships work best when the people involved are aligned to the same goals, priorities and values. That can happen among people of varying religious and cultural backgrounds, age groups, socio-economic status and political affiliations.
I’m less concerned with the age difference between your friend and this man and more concerned that she (and you) believes that she’s engaging in unacceptable and controversial behaviour. If there are genuine feelings involved between her and this man, she should be able to enjoy and explore them sans guilt or shame. Attraction is a fascinating topic…one I could blog about all day, and explore endlessly. What attracts two people to each other is often mysterious and indescribable. You may not understand what’s drawing her to this man (and she may not either) but the fact remains that there is something bringing them together.
I can tell from your e-mail that you are a loyal and caring person who wants what’s best for your friend. Given that she is now involved in an unconventional relationship, subject to much scrutiny and judgment, why not be her safe place to fall? Is it possible for you to put your apprehensions aside and be there to encourage and support her? Your friend is on a journey right now and she’s going to follow this path she’s on…with or without you. She may stumble along the way, she could take a few wrong turns and she may even get lost. If she falls down, she may need some help getting up. If she knew that there was someone there, to listen without judgment, she may be more inclined to share the experience. My guess is that she speaks so little about it right now because she knows how people feel about her choice and she doesn’t want to hear the criticisms.
The situation is complicated enough – his kids, their age difference, her shame – it would be great if you could be the one person where she feels that conversation (especially about him) is easy, where things are simple. She likely needs that. What is the worst thing that could happen as a consequence of her continuing to explore this relationship? She might get hurt? She may end up disappointed? She may even get taken advantage of? Sure. All possibilities, however, remember that those worst-case scenarios could be equally looming in a relationship with a childless, never-been-married man her own age. What’s important is who she is – in this relationship, or in any relationship – how she carries herself, how she manages conflict, how she sets and maintains boundaries, how she feels about, and protects, her sense of self.
I am confident that this is one of many experiences to come, for her…this will likely not be her last. As her friend, I feel that it’s your “job” to support her by maintaining or building up her self-esteem so that she doesn’t lose herself in this relationship and to encourage her to put her best foot forward…neither of which should have much to do with who he is.
I hope this answers your question and gives you the perspective and insight you were looking for.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
To Pay Or Not To Pay…
Question:
Melissa writes: I’m a 33 yr old girl and I date a lot. I find the whole getting the bill part awkward when out with a guy on a first date. Do I pay? Does he pay? Should I always offer? I make a lot of money and I feel like sometimes when I’m out with a guy who probably makes less than me that I should pay. What’s your position on this? Thanks, Melissa.
STACIE SAYS:
Melissa, I’m so glad you asked that question! In my experience, this very issue has been the deal-breaker on so many occasions, however, the affected party wouldn’t have known that was the reason date number two never materialized.
Here’s my take on the whole thing: men are as confused as women are, when it comes to the “who pays” dilemma. Thanks to the feminist movement traditional roles are no longer universally embraced. There are men who genuinely respect women and, in doing so, do not want to offend their sense of independence by insisting on paying the bill. Similarly, there are men who use women’s desire for independence as an excuse to avoid having to pay the bill. There are women (like myself) who, despite being career-oriented and financially independent, would appreciate a man who is happy to pick up the bill, in the name of tradition. Similarly, there are women who are uncomfortable with a man paying for them, especially on a first date, for any number of reasons. So, where does that leave us?
Here are my tips which are meant to apply to men and women alike:
STACIE’S TIP # 1: Know thyself.
If you are woman and feel better when a man pays for you, acknowledge and embrace that without judgment. Same rule applies if you are a woman who prefers to pay for herself or a man who prefers to pay/not pay. The point is – there is no right or wrong. What is key is that you remain true to yourself while being sincere with the person sitting across from you.
STACIE’S TIP # 2: Be deliberate in your actions.
Ladies…how many times have you reached for your wallets to feign interest in splitting the bill only to be secretly furious (or moderately disappointed) when the guy actually accepts your offer? This is unfair on our part and sends the wrong message – especially when the gesture is insincere and only to give off the appearance of being well-mannered. Refer back to tip # 1 and then act accordingly. If you feel strongly that a man should pay on a first date then, when the bill comes, once he realizes that you are not reaching for your wallet, as he grabs the bill and reaches for his (wallet), thank him – genuinely and with appreciation.
STACIE’S TIP # 3: Stick to your guns.
IF your date challenges you, communicate your preference to them, using “I” statements only. For example: “I would feel more comfortable if you and I split the bill because I am not used to having people pay for me, although I really appreciate you wanting to. If you and I decide that we’d like to continue to see each other, and it’s important for you to treat me from time to time then this is something I’m prepared to work on.” It’s very difficult for someone to argue with another person’s feelings, especially when they are clearly articulated and sincerely shared. It is also unusual that someone will force the issue with a person they do not know well.
Melissa – I hope this answers your question. Remember, if your behaviours are not aligned with what you truly want it is you who will pay the price (pun intended) down the road. How you behave on a first date sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
When Is The Right Time To Have Sex?
Question:
A 45 year-old divorcée asks: What are the rules around sex these days? It seems like every man I date is anxious to get me in to their bed…and I mean right from the first date…even if we don’t really know each other that well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude it just seems that if I have sex with someone too soon I’m unhappy with myself and if I wait too long the man disappears.
STACIE SAYS:
Hey Hot Momma! First of all…be flattered that these men want to get you in to their beds. It means that they’re attracted to you, and that’s a good thing…you can’t fault them for that.
I think you answered your own question and I don’t know that I can tell you anything you don’t already know, however, I am happy to put this back into perspective for you and to be your VoR (voice of reason). Here are (some of) my thoughts on sex:
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 1:
There are no universal rules that apply to everyone and only you know what feels right for you.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 2:
Create your own set of rules to guide your dating behaviour and be clear on what they are before meeting a new person. For example, you may implement a “no touching below the pants until Date # 4” rule or a “no sleepovers until I’ve met his kids” rule or a “no sex until we are dating each other exclusively” rule or a “I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want so long as we are practicing safe sex” rule. The beauty of creating your own rules is that you can easily break or modify them as you deem appropriate because they are all yours!
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 3:
If someone is still pressuring you to have sex with them after you have expressed that you’re not comfortable with the idea, move on. Most people who cannot take “no” for an answer are either manipulators or children trapped in adult bodies. Be secretly thankful to them for showing their true colours so early on in the relationship so that you can get the hell out of there.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 4:
Remember that women develop an emotional attachment to their sexual partners faster than men do. This is often where neediness and clinginess comes from. Both genders should wade into the sexual waters understanding this so that expectations can be managed…maybe even discussed upfront. A warning to the ladies: sleeping with a man will not make him like you more, commit to you faster, or ensure exclusivity. If those are your primary or ulterior motives know that you will achieve the complete opposite…in most cases.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 5:
When two people are themselves around each other – meaning that both people are putting their most authentic feet forward and are behaving naturally – by honouring their feelings and their bodies, the point in the relationship at which the sex occurs becomes irrelevant. You can sleep with someone on the first date and end up marrying them or you can delay intimacy for months, only to find that the person either becomes increasingly distant or complacent, or disappears altogether. The key is to ensure that you’re being true to yourself, doing only what feels good and right for you and that the sex is happening for the “right” reasons.
I hope this answers the question. Good luck, and be safe!!!
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Ball Breaker
Question:
I’m a 27-year old male who like most guys my age is addicted to my Blackberry. I’ve been seeing this girl for a few weeks and the other night she was breaking my balls about never calling her, saying all we do is text. What’s the big deal? I don’t get it. This is the first girl I’ve dated whose complained about this.
STACIE SAYS:
I’m probably the wrong person to offer advice on this topic. I love texting, BBMing, e-mailing – anything that doesn’t involve speaking on the phone. Why that is my – and maybe your – preference begs a lengthier response and discussion. For now, let me try and break this down for you in simple terms. The first question is – do you like this girl and want to continue seeing her? If the answer is “no”…then this is a moot point, right? You can just move on and find a girl who won’t “break your balls”, right? Wrong! Even the most laid-back, casual, “cool” girl out there will eventually want you to pick up a phone. And, if she’s anything like me – Ms. Anti-Telephone – it’s merely out of principle that she wants you to do this. It demonstrates a level of…well, um…commitment and interest. Sorry, I had to use the “c” word. Are you still there? OK, phew, I thought I lost you.
When you make an effort outside of the convenience of texting, BBMing, e-mailing, PIN-ing, WhatsApp-ing it shows the person you’re communicating with that they have your undivided attention. Let’s face it – normally when you’re communicating through your Smartphone – you are also doing something else at the same time. You are distracted at best, unavailable – for all intents and purposes – at worst. It is unrealistic of you to expect to build anything significant with a girl you’re dating if you never pick up a phone so that she can hear your voice. Text to sex, with little in between is a sure-fire way to tell your girl that you’re just not that into her long-term. So, if you don’t see a future with this particular girl and don’t appreciate her “breaking your balls”…move on. Just remember though that when you do meet that girl who you want to hang on to she may not have the courage or the interest to tell you that she doesn’t appreciate your inability to dial a phone. And – ladies – if you’re having a “relationship” with a guy who never calls you – just to say hi, or to make plans – well then, you are probably on the road to Nowhereville.
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …