Online Dating 2.01
This is my first “scheduled” blog entry since launching this website. I’m a bit late and am hoping you’ll cut me some slack because I’m new to this blogging business. Moving forward, blog entries will be posted on the 14th of each month, by 11:59 p.m. EST. You’re not gonna ask me why I picked that date, are you? Really? 
I spent all day trying to decide what to blog about. My current dating adventures? I’d love to. I’ve got a few scenarios in play that could certainly make for some entertaining reading and controversial discussion but I don’t want to incriminate anyone or show a lack of respect for people’s privacy. (No, I’m not having an affair with a married man…not knowingly. I will likely blog about that one day though…the disturbing number of married men posing as being single on online dating sites. If you’re married and on the prowl, check out www.ashleymadison.com. I will eventually blog about them too. I think my view on their business might surprise you. In any case, I like to think of myself as a home maker, not a home wrecker). What about the photo shoot I had last week? That was a very cool experience. Too bad I’m not able to discuss it…for now. I thought about blogging about some of the interesting people I’ve met since launching this business. Then I wondered if that might send some of the more reticent daters further into their shells. I definitely don’t want that. So, I settled on a popular and perhaps overdone topic…online dating. I could write a novel about online dating. For now, however, I’ll stick to my Top Five Tips (I could probably do a Top 25 List, so we’ll start with five and see what the response is like).
Online dating sites are rampant, with a new one surfacing almost daily – or that’s how it seems to those of us active in the community. For example, on Plenty Of Fish (a.k.a. PoF), if you accidentally (or optimistically) click on the really good looking, too-good-to-be-true people’s pictures at the top of the page you are automatically redirected to any number of other dating or matchmaking sites. That’s what I find amusing…dating sites advertising on other dating sites. I “get” the Marketing play…go where you know your target audience is…but it’s so blatant. Anyway…there are just so many sites out there, it can be overwhelming. Some online dating sites appeal to the masses, some are targeting a specific group of individuals. Some are offered as a free service, some require you to pay a membership or subscription fee. Regardless of which site you use, you are asked to create a profile. This profile is your online dating marketing tool and you are the brand being marketed.
OK…so I consider myself an expert in online dating profiles. As both a consumer and a manufacturer. My opinions, perspective and advice come from years of online dating (to be clear and to avoid unnecessary pity, these “years” have not been consecutive in nature and have been punctuated by many wonderful experiences. The ones that were less-than-wonderful were typically entertaining and will be blogged about at a future date). HC, if you really want me to…I can write about how you gave me a boost…and then I’ll tell the story about our first (and only?) date. Anyway, I have seen thousands of profiles. Mostly men’s profiles but I’ve seen my share of women’s profiles too (don’t ask).
It never ceases to amaze me how rare it is to find a profile where an investment of time, effort and thought is evident. I understand that “selling” or promoting yourself via little boxes in online profiles is awkward and challenging, at best…but so is writing a great résumé. I would bet that at least 75% of online daters spend a minimum of five times as long on their résumés (when they are in job search mode) as they do on their online dating profiles. What I don’t understand is why this would be the case. Isn’t who you attract for the purposes of forming a long-term, committed relationship just as important – if not more so – than whom you work for?
Stacie’s Tip # 1: Spelling and grammar DO count
Consider typing your online profile in Microsoft Word or another word processing application where Spell Check is an option. Whether you can actually spell or formulate a sentence is irrelevant. Your written word (in addition to your pictures) is your only opportunity to make a good first impression.
Stacie’s Tip # 2: Post a picture from the current year and make sure it looks like you
If you are hoping that your online dating efforts result in a long-term relationship, or even a second date, it’s important to put your most authentic foot forward. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Posting the pictures that you think will get you the most “hits” is not always the best strategy. Especially if those pictures are of you in a bikini in 1989 (sweetheart) or before you acquired your beer gut (mister). Post the pictures that look the most like you do, on a “regular” day. Somebody will appreciate you for you. Nobody will appreciate you for your Photoshop skills. Consider this: some people even post their “worst” pictures. It’s an interesting approach, and not a bad idea.
Stacie’s Tip # 3: Do not lie. Just don’t. Period.
I wish this was simply a matter of stating the obvious and moving on, with a short note: ”Nuff Said”. Sadly, it’s not. Online daters are lying to each other every day and, from what I hear, women are guiltier of this than men. Bottom line goes something like this…he/she WILL find out. If you say you’re 36 and you’re 50, they’ll find out when they meet you, undress you, or card you. It’s inevitable. If you say your body type is “a few extra pounds” and you’re overweight…he/she WILL find out. At exactly the same moment as when they first lay eyes on you. For future reference…a few = three. Maximum. If you are looking for a healthy and lasting relationship I don’t think you need me to tell you that it must be based on trust. (If you did need me to tell you that and are learning this for the first time, please call me…ASAP.) That foundation of trust begins to be laid the moment you make contact. Lying does not build trust, ever. So just don’t do it. If you think there is a circumstance under which lying in your profile is acceptable I would love to hear it and have the opportunity to challenge it.
Stacie’s Tip # 4: Stop admiring yourself in the mirror and start writing!
OK, so you were once a supermodel. We get it. Your pictures are beautiful. And so is your BMW. And your house. And your villa in the south of France. And your extensive wardrobe. And your boat. And I love that you have a plane. Those boxes there though…the ones that are blank…with the questions on top of them…they’re supposed to be filled out…with your original thoughts…your answers…your preferences. It’s called “getting to know you”. Sarcasm aside…no matter how physically attractive you are, or think you are, it’s important to share some information in your profile so that inquiring minds do not incorrectly assume that all you have going for you are your looks and your car. Unless that’s what you want them to think…and then that, of course, is a different blog entry altogether.
Stacie’s Tip # 5: Stay away from lists
Many well-intentioned online daters describe their ideal partners and themselves by listing off the qualities they value – i.e. fit, attractive, down-to-earth, easy-going, sensual, ambitious, intelligent, fun, active, secure, exciting, smart, amazing, sexy, girl-next-door, adventurous, spiritual, playful, sophisticated, well-travelled, worldly, etc. You get the idea. What they are doing, unknowingly, is writing a very ordinary, average and unoriginal profile. No matter how much thought they are putting into each of those adjectives, they are choosing a format used by the majority of online daters.
Profiles should be as unique as the person writing them. What makes YOU special should be evident to others after reading your profile but, unfortunately, that is so rarely the case. Instead, most profiles get overlooked due to a lack of originality, or because of an air of familiarity.
Just as I have helped hundreds of job seekers, employees and colleagues write and rework their professional résumés, I am helping online daters, every day, in rethinking who they are, who they are trying to attract, what type of relationship they are seeking, and how to adjust their marketing approach appropriately.
Feel free to send me your online profile (stacie@sittinginatree.com) and let’s see how I might be able to help you get the results you’re seeking.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
www.gogoodguy.com
Ever wondered where the Good Guys are?
Yeah…*heavy sigh*…me too.
The good news is that they are out there. Everybody knows at least one (Good Guy, that is). Ask around, you’ll see I’m right. Unfortunately, “bad” is often sexier than “good” and draws more attention. A horribly painful break-up story is always far more compelling than an amicable and mutual split, right?
I also think it’s unfair to categorically label men as either a “bad boy” or a “Good Guy”. As many of us know, bad boys often turn into some of the best Good Guys when, and only when, they meet “The One”. That is part of what makes them so attractive…the desire to capture their elusive heart. Similarly, and sadly, I’ve seen many a Good Guy slip into bad boy territory because of an unfortunate bad girl. To that end, I do believe the two terms (bad boy/Good Guy) are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I also believe that the same conversation could be had about Good Women and bad girls.
My quest, however, remains the same…to find, celebrate and honour the Good Guys. By most people’s accounts they seem to be in much shorter supply than Good Girls and said Good Girls are losing hope on a daily basis, by the dozens, which is just plain sad.
Please visit www.gogoodguy.com. Read the stories that have been posted. Share your own story. Tell your friends about the site. Encourage them to submit their stories. “Like” the site on Facebook. Join the Facebook Group “Go Good Guy”. Befriend GoGood Guy on Facebook. Join the mission. Support the cause.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
A Match Made On Palmerston Avenue
Matchmaking is not a new concept. In fact, it is one of the oldest professions in history. In some foreign cultures, it continues to be deeply woven into the ethnic fibre as a common practice. In North America, the mention of Norman Jewison’s film adaptation of the 1964 Broadway musical “Fiddler on the Roof” may have some singing: “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…find me a find, catch me a catch…”. For others, the word matchmaker conjures up images of Patti Stanger and her popular reality TV show. And still, for others, the word means very little. Read More
Dream A Little Dream – Part One
On October 16th I auditioned to be the “Dating and Relationship Expert” on The Marilyn Denis Show (www.marilyn.ca), which airs beginning in January 2011. It has proven to be a memorable , unique and exciting experience and one that I believe is worth sharing.
On Saturday, October 2nd my cousin, Cara, sent me a message suggesting that I audition to be the dating and relationship expert on the new Marilyn Denis show. Given that this was the first I was hearing about it, my initial reaction, and response, went something like this: “I’m a single divorcée, what the _____ do I know about dating and relationships???”. To which Cara replied: “Elana (Cara’s sister) and I think you’d be perfect for it”. I thought to myself: “Oh, well, ok, I guess that settles that!!!”. Ummmm…NOT. Read More
A New Beginning
In February 2010 I left a senior role I had occupied in the corporate sector for six years. Here is the e-mail I sent to my extended network at that time:
Friends and colleagues:
I hope that 2010 has been treating you well so far and that this e-mail finds you in a good place in your life. For some of you, I’ll be happy if this e-mail finds you at all, as it’s been so long.
After six incredibly challenging and rewarding years, I have made the decision to leave [unnamed company]. It was the second most difficult decision I’ve had to make in my life, and not one made in haste or without the appropriate degree of consideration. My last day is Wednesday, March 31st.
I can see many of you frowning, asking: “who leaves a secure and successful role with a good company, with nowhere to go to???” I do! Whether I’m brave or foolish remains to be seen, however, at the time of this writing I’m happy and comfortable with my decision. I am taking advantage of my childless, single status while I can. Lol. I realized – after sending many of you a similar note a few months back, sharing my desire to begin exploring other opportunities – that I wasn’t focused on my career search. Creating a timeline – via a resignation letter – was just the impetus I needed. I am giving myself the time and the space I need to conduct a dedicated, thorough search, where I will have few distractions.
I am excited at the prospect of a new career opportunity and am hoping that you’ll support me by keeping your eyes and ears open. Whether you know me professionally or personally, you likely have a sense for my ambition, passion and energy. Over the coming weeks I’m looking to expand my network, identify opportunities of interest, and begin the interview process. I’m looking for a fast-paced, leadership position in an environment in need of a change agent. If you know of anything I should take a look at or anyone you think I should talk to, I would love to hear about it.
Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any leads or ideas you may know of!
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely,
Stacie
So…what happened between now and then? How is it that I now find myself founder and President of a relationship consulting company…or, more simply put, a matchmaker? I wish that I had paid more attention to the details as they were happening so that I could more accurately chronicle this journey but the truth is, I’m not the most planful person. I’m deliberate, impulsive, intuitive, street smart and decisive…but planful I am not. So, high-level, this is what happened. At some point during my blissful unemployment I discovered Patti Stanger and her TV show Millionaire Matchmaker…during a marathon. I think I watched six episodes straight…maybe more…possibly eight. Despite admiring Patti for her talents, I remember thinking “Hey…I can do that. I’d LOVE to do that. I’d be so good at that. I should really DO that”.
Shortly after the marathon I began casually talking about wanting to be a matchmaker. I don’t know that I had yet given it the proper consideration or thought, but I was testing the waters. Looking for reactions, gauging who my supporters would be, and seeing how it felt to make such a declaration. Reactions were almost entirely positive. Of course there were the skeptics, however mostly out of concern for my ability to earn a living. People were, for the most part, intrigued, inquisitive and excited about the idea. I, on the other hand, was far away from being prepared to commit to this as a new career direction. It actually almost seemed that the more excited people were about the concept, the more I shied away. I was initially fearful that such an endeavour would require a substantial sacrifice in terms of my freedom, financial stability and independence. (I did eventually realize that it was not uncommon for me to have worked 80+ hours/week in the past and that if I had to do it again I might rather do so in the name of love). At no point, however, was I unsure about my ability to conceive of, and execute, the business plan. I felt then, and I still do, that matchmaking is similar to Executive Recruitment (aka headhunting) – a part of my career I had once enjoyed very much. I was confident in my ability to use my interpersonal and networking skills to be successful in this business. I guess I just wasn’t ready. Some days I talked about my “maybe” matchmaking business more than others. I did, however, make a statement – I’m not sure exactly when – that if I didn’t have a corporate leadership opportunity that I was adequately excited about by September 30th then I would go forward with this idea.
So, from March to September, for all intents and purposes, I conducted a job search as originally intended. The premature spring weather and fantastic summer heat got in the way of my search – moderately – as I made ample use of friends’ and family’s cottages. I am grateful for them, their cottages and my excessive free time. The decompression process was a slow one and it wasn’t until mid-June that I realized that the stress and emotion I had been internalizing and collecting had finally dissipated. Now fully relaxed, I had a fair number of carefully selected interviews during the summer (and a few prior) and networked like crazy – my LinkedIn network went from 0 to just under 3000 connections, and turned down a few opportunities.
This had proved to be a much-needed and well-deserved vacation and I am thankful that I allowed myself such an indulgent luxury. In early October, with renewed energy and a greater sense of purpose (after a unique experience which I’ll blog about separately), I formalized my matchmaking business plan (yes, I actually wrote one…put pen to paper), sought out the necessary financing and sent out the following e-mail to family and friends:
It’s official…I am now your local matchmaker. That’s right. I decided to go for it. Assuming you know me, even just a little bit, this makes a lot of sense to you and is something I’ve been talking about doing, off and on, since I left [unnamed company]. Although the plan – when I left – was to rejoin the corporate sector in a similar capacity, it became apparent to me over the past six months that I have been completely uninspired…simultaneously by the opportunities available and the lack thereof. Nothing seemed challenging enough. Nothing seemed rewarding, or fulfilling, enough. I often asked myself some tough questions and kept arriving at the same conclusion…I want to try my hand at this matchmaking gig. It encompasses so many of my passions and allows me to leverage the pieces I enjoyed most about the recruiting industry.
So, as I get ready for a more public launch, I wanted to let you – my family and friends – know what I was doing. The company is called Sitting In A Tree…which, again – if you know me – is so me. Nostalgic, a tad sappy, cute, fun, whimsical and spirited. The website – which is under construction – is www.sittinginatree.com. I am interested in hearing from all single people who are committed to finding a long-term partner. I have several different ways in which I will work with clients and am looking for quality clients versus quantity. All of the services offered are customized – tailored specifically to each client – so the first step is a consultation, offered free of charge. As I expect that prospective clients will be discerning, I too intend on being selective about who I work with, therefore, the purpose of the consultation is to ensure that there is a “fit’. To that end, I will be relying heavily on my network (you) for word-of-mouth promotion and quality referrals. Closer to my launch date (mid-late December) I will be sending a follow-up e-mail for you to share with your networks. This e-mail will provide information on how your network – and their networks – can engage Sitting In A Tree’s services.
In the interim, if you know of anybody who you think might benefit from Sitting In A Tree’s services, please feel free to have them contact me – at the number below, Stacie@sittinginatree.com, Facebook (Stacie Ikka or GoGood Guy) or LinkedIn (Stacie Ikka).
This e-mail led to Sitting In A Tree’s first two clients and the rest, as they say, is history.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …