It’s All About YOU!
I’ve noticed a trend. During the early stages of dating – which are really intended to be a discovery process – many women lose sight of the wondrous gift they are, a gift that is meant to be unwrapped with great care, anticipation and genuine interest. Instead, these women become disproportionately influenced by their potential partner’s preferences and points of view, they rearrange their calendars to accommodate his schedule and, they unknowingly put him up on that proverbial pedestal. You know what they say about all things that go up…
Next time you are listening to a female friend go on about the new man in her life, pay close attention to whose needs are coming first – his or hers. Women often find it difficult to be who they are and to get what they need during the dating process for fear of losing the man.
In my work as a matchmaker, wing woman and dating coach, I try to inspire a fundamental shift in the way my female clients relate to the men they encounter…one that goes from an external focus (him) to an internal focus (her). As scary as it seems for them to put this into practice, it usually produces win-win outcomes…it’s what men want (they want us to be us) and, as women, addressing our needs is an integral part of loving ourselves.
Here are some reasons why women may initially (and unintentionally) focus more on a man’s needs versus their own:
- It’s difficult to find “good men” so when a woman thinks she is dating one, excitement and hopefulness take over and she is more likely to ignore, or be oblivious to, early warning signs
- By some accounts, close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. We are a “wounded society”, with many broken birds. A large segment of the dating pool is made up of people coming out of painful marriages/divorces, who are seeking affection, validation and acceptance, perhaps from the wrong (or first) person to show up
- Women are hard-wired in such a way that we find it difficult not to romanticize relationships before they would even be described as one
Some implications of being too focused on a man, or not focused enough on themselves, are:
- The woman does not act like her real, fabulous self – which is who the man really wants to get to know
- The woman does not do an adequate job of “screening” her dates which can lead to incompatibility issues and/or disappointment later
- Ending up in an unhealthy relationship or in no relationship at all…men looking for a healthy relationship find independence and confidence sexy and don’t want to be with a woman whose life and opinions appear to revolve around his.
How a shift in their focus could make women more successful in dating and relationships:
- They will feel more in control of their dating outcomes
- They will allow themselves the opportunity to genuinely get to know their dates better, ensuring they are screening and pre-qualifying men more effectively before entering into a relationship
- They will appear more attractive to the opposite sex thereby attracting more suitors
- They will have better quality relationships
Here are some tips on how to get going in making this shift for yourself:
Stacie’s Tip # 1: Get clear on how amazing you are
Make a list of all of the wonderful contributions you make in a relationship. If you need help getting started, talk to your friends and family. I’m sure they’ll be happy to remind you why they love you. Work on your confidence and review these attributes before, during and after each date, if you have to.
Stacie’s Tip # 2: Set relationship goals
Be clear in your own mind about whom and what you’re looking for before you set out to find it. It’s like that famous saying: “If you don’t know where you’re going how will you know when you get there?” Write it down if you have to. Declare it to your friends. Hold yourself accountable. Revisit your goals often.
Stacie’s Tip # 3: Change your internal dialogue
Replace words like “his”, “him” and “he” with “my”, “me” and “I”. For example, instead of wondering after the first date whether he’s going to call you, think through whether you want him to call you. And if the answer is “yes”…why?
Stacie’s Tip # 4: Keep busy
Do not rearrange your calendar. If it’s empty, fill it up. You want to have enough flexibility in your schedule to date, however, you don’t want to give off the impression that your calendar is always wide open waiting to be filled by hopeful suitors. You are busy. You have a life. Your time is valuable and you are selective about who you spend it with. Remember that! If, however, that’s not the case…perhaps this is where your “work” should begin.
Stacie’s Tip # 5: Don’t play games
If you want to call him, call him. If you’re busy when he calls, don’t apologize. Staying true to yourself at all times guarantees that you’re putting your most authentic self forward. When you don’t play games and are true to yourself you maintain control and can help steer outcomes more effectively.
Stacie’s Tip # 6: Stop having relationships and start dating!
Date multiple people at the same time. There is nothing wrong with it and, in fact, it’s healthy. When we date one man at a time premature expectations can develop, pressure may intensify unnecessarily and before we know it the “relationship” has gone sour. That’s because we stopped dating the poor guy (i.e. we stopped trying to get to know him better) and dumped all of our fairytale hopes and dreams in his lap. We were having a relationship that didn’t exist, or that hadn’t fully formed yet. We do this unknowingly and subconsciously and men are wired to sniff it out (also subconsciously, usually). They experience it as neediness or find us demanding, and run the other way. Try and change your perspective. Get out there and fill up your dance card!
D.I.L.F.
Question (which has been slightly edited to preserve the anonymity of those involved):
Anonymous 20-something female writes:
Hi Stacie,
A friend of mine recently embarked upon your blog and I have since caught up on your past blogs. Great website!
I am writing you because I was curious to hear your opinion concerning significant age differences for dating/sexual encounters. To be more specific, this involves two individuals whereby the man is over twenty years older than the woman (she is in her 20s), not to mention he has children (not much younger than her)! My friend who discovered your blog is seeing this man and I am so concerned for her well-being. I know little about this man and his intentions, but it worries me that there is such a significant age difference, not to mention a generational difference. They are at such different stages of their lives – him as a father, while she is beginning her career. I know it is her place to make a personal decision but she rarely speaks about her feelings given she knows the situation itself is highly controversial and seemingly unacceptable.
I was wondering if you would consider blogging about this controversial topic. I would appreciate your wisdom and advice on this matter!
Look forward to hearing from you!
STACIE SAYS:
I can understand why you’re concerned, that is definitely a significant age difference which is amplified by the fact that their priorities are so (presumably) different right now – as you mentioned – her beginning a career, him as a father with parenting responsibilities.
Without knowing your friend (including her patterns of behaviour, her dating history and her vulnerabilities) it’s difficult for me to offer an opinion on whether this particular relationship is an unhealthy one or whether there’s cause for further concern. Even if I did share your concern for your friend, this is likely something that needs to play out. If you feel that her physical safety is in jeopardy or that there is any kind of abuse present then I recommend that you call me to discuss further.
For most of my adult life I have gravitated toward older men. When I was 21 years old I dated a man who was 33 years old (and my family and friends will challenge that he was that young…apparently he looked like an “old man”, although I didn’t see it because I was so intrigued by him). Friends, family and colleagues all had variations of the same skepticism: “An older man only wants one thing with a girl your age”. That unsolicited consensus turned out to be accurate. Well…only partially. He did want only one thing – but it wasn’t sex (although he wanted that too) – it was marriage. He was looking for a wife. We dated for 18 months before deciding that marital bliss was not ours to be shared.
I tell this story this for two reasons:
1) I had a curiosity, at an early age, about older men and I know that I’m not alone. Almost 16 years, and many relationships later, I do not regret the experience despite a painful break-up and some lingering consequences. I also now understand where my tendency toward older men came from and it’s given me tremendous insight into myself as I engage in new relationships. Your friend may have the same tendency and if that’s the case she needs to have the freedom to explore it. It could be a rite of passage for her, per se, and I’m hopeful that she too will look back – with the benefit of hindsight – with few regrets and many lessons learned.
2) Not all (older) men are created equal. My ex-boyfriend was not the sex-addicted, may-as-well-be-a-pedophile perv everyone assumed him to be. While it seems odd that this father has an interest in your much younger friend, his intentions could be honourable. By your own admission, you don’t know what his intentions are and perhaps benefit of the doubt is appropriate right now.
I don’t know that the nature of your friend’s relationship could be considered controversial in this day and age, despite how uncomfortable it may make you (or others) feel. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, who have 25 years between them, or Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn. She’s 26 and he’s 50…with children and at least two ex-wives. I know what you’re thinking. “But they’re celebrities…it’s different!!!” While that may be somewhat true, it’s also a fact that you see these same unconventional relationships in “real life”. Just as with Hollywood couples, sometimes they work, and sometimes they don’t.
When we look at the issue of age in isolation (or any one variable, by itself) we cannot possibly be seeing the full picture. Personally, I’ve dated men 16 years older than me and more than ten years younger than me. I came out of all of them relatively unscathed and in most cases age had little to do with the break-up. My unhealthiest and most toxic relationship had nothing to do with an age difference and my two *favourite* post-divorce relationships were with one man who is 13 years older than me and one man who is ten years younger than me (and I don’t mean you SW). Relationships work best when the people involved are aligned to the same goals, priorities and values. That can happen among people of varying religious and cultural backgrounds, age groups, socio-economic status and political affiliations.
I’m less concerned with the age difference between your friend and this man and more concerned that she (and you) believes that she’s engaging in unacceptable and controversial behaviour. If there are genuine feelings involved between her and this man, she should be able to enjoy and explore them sans guilt or shame. Attraction is a fascinating topic…one I could blog about all day, and explore endlessly. What attracts two people to each other is often mysterious and indescribable. You may not understand what’s drawing her to this man (and she may not either) but the fact remains that there is something bringing them together.
I can tell from your e-mail that you are a loyal and caring person who wants what’s best for your friend. Given that she is now involved in an unconventional relationship, subject to much scrutiny and judgment, why not be her safe place to fall? Is it possible for you to put your apprehensions aside and be there to encourage and support her? Your friend is on a journey right now and she’s going to follow this path she’s on…with or without you. She may stumble along the way, she could take a few wrong turns and she may even get lost. If she falls down, she may need some help getting up. If she knew that there was someone there, to listen without judgment, she may be more inclined to share the experience. My guess is that she speaks so little about it right now because she knows how people feel about her choice and she doesn’t want to hear the criticisms.
The situation is complicated enough – his kids, their age difference, her shame – it would be great if you could be the one person where she feels that conversation (especially about him) is easy, where things are simple. She likely needs that. What is the worst thing that could happen as a consequence of her continuing to explore this relationship? She might get hurt? She may end up disappointed? She may even get taken advantage of? Sure. All possibilities, however, remember that those worst-case scenarios could be equally looming in a relationship with a childless, never-been-married man her own age. What’s important is who she is – in this relationship, or in any relationship – how she carries herself, how she manages conflict, how she sets and maintains boundaries, how she feels about, and protects, her sense of self.
I am confident that this is one of many experiences to come, for her…this will likely not be her last. As her friend, I feel that it’s your “job” to support her by maintaining or building up her self-esteem so that she doesn’t lose herself in this relationship and to encourage her to put her best foot forward…neither of which should have much to do with who he is.
I hope this answers your question and gives you the perspective and insight you were looking for.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Sad Day
We’ve all heard and uttered the same clichés – life is short, only the good die young, better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, etc – yet in the face of death, what consolation do they provide? What purpose do they serve?
Have you ever faced your own mortality? Has something so profound and life-altering ever happened to you where you thought to yourself “I could actually die of something other than old age”? It happened for me in 2003. Up until that point, while I had been to more funerals than weddings (sadly) and was no stranger to loss, I was not one to contemplate, or agonize over, death. I was too busy living a very blessed life. In 2003, my then-boyfriend (now ex-husband, Mitch) was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…”the good cancer”. Does that sound oxymoronic to anyone else? “Cancer” and “good” used in the same sentence? It just didn’t seem right, yet that’s what the oncologists had coined it. We later learned that his cancer was very advanced – Stage III as the doctors referred to it. Only a Stage IV diagnosis would have been more severe. Nothing about his situation seemed “good” to us, despite the oncologists being hopeful (it turns out, with good reason).
After six months of aggressive chemotherapy and a month of radiation the cancer seemed to have been beat, and I am happy to share that he continues to be in remission to this day. Those days were some of the darkest I’ve ever had to endure and my whole perspective and outlook on life are different because of them.
At that time, it was not common for “young” people to have to deal with cancer. So you may be surprised to hear how many times people would say to me (or behind my back) how wonderful I was for standing by Mitch and that it takes a “special kind of person” to do what I was doing. This never ceased to disappoint me. I felt anything but heroic. I felt heartbroken, discouraged, optimistic, pessimistic, scared, numb, helpless, hopeful, scared, exhausted, defeated and – did I mention scared? – depending on the day. A few people even said to me – with what I’m sure were my best interests in mind – that it wasn’t too late and would be perfectly understandable if I were to walk away. This was never an option for me and what they were suggesting was unfathomable. I was in love with this person. Although we weren’t married at that time, I felt very committed to “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…”
I remember bouts of self-pity. It seemed really unfair that it had taken me so long to meet a man who I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and then – in an instant – it could all be taken away. In his remission, for the time we were together (which included our engagement and marriage) I remember feeling intensely grateful for a second chance at life. I felt that this second chance was as much mine as it was his and I continue to be guided by this gratitude every day.
My own painful memories come back naturally from time to time but are triggered most when I hear of those who aren’t so lucky and it’s always most difficult when I know the people involved. Since 2005 I have lost more than five people who I love – to cancer – and I know too many others who are affected by it every day. Unfortunately, cancer does not discriminate.
On April 16th, I got devastatingly sad news. An old high school and camp friend, Brett, had died that morning. I knew that he had been battling brain cancer and had overcome several major surgeries. Although I hadn’t seen Brett or his wife (Amy) since high school – thanks to Facebook, I was able to follow their journey and let them know I was thinking about them. They recently welcomed their new son to the world and I can only imagine how magical that must have been for Brett and Amy and what a bright light he will continue to cast for Amy in this time of mourning.
I now understand a little better why people made the comments they did about my commitment to Mitch through his illness. I have admired Amy’s strength and courage, poise and grace, from afar and while I cannot profess to know what she is feeling and experiencing, I do have a great deal of sympathy and think her love for Brett is a beautiful thing.
Without having spent time with Brett and Amy as a couple it was evident through the stories I heard, the pictures I saw, the updates I read and the few messages that we exchanged that they were “the real deal”. Two people deeply in love and committed to each other. I know love when I see it and, really, I should. I’m the sappy, hopeful (not hopeless), incurable romantic who has decided that creating love for others is her life’s work.
The depth of sadness that I feel, and the intensity with which I can remember and picture Brett, are testament to the person he was. It is impossible to speak about Brett without referencing his million-dollar smile. As you can see from the picture below, his smile radiates with goodness and warmth and kindness. He was, by far, one of the nicest, most genuine, and most likeable people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and I’m certain that I’m not alone in my thinking. His and Amy’s Facebook walls are plastered with sentiments from friends and family – near and far – honouring Brett’s joyful spirit and sharing memories to be forever cherished. Brett is someone who will never be forgotten – regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve seen him or how long your friendship with him was. He has clearly touched all those who knew him, me included.
My thoughts, condolences and sympathy go out to Brett’s and Amy’s families (including Brett’s sister and son), their friends and their acquaintances. The world was definitely a much better place because of him.
I have chosen to share a little bit of my story and to honour Brett’s memory because of what I experience every day. Too many single people who are living exasperated lives…fatigued, disenchanted, frustrated, bored, lonely and, sometimes, angry…as they search for their “perfect” mate. Married couples settling into frenetic lives of routine, schedule coordination and over-programmed children. It seems that it’s only when we’re confronted with immense loss or hardship that we refocus our attention toward what really matters.
I challenge you to stop and think – right now – about the people you love and of those who love you. All of them. What if – God forbid – one of them was not here tomorrow, or the next time you went to phone them? Would you have any regrets? Now think about where you spend most of your time, money and energy. How much of it is being spent on the people you love and who love you and – whatever the amount/ratio/percentage – are you OK with it?
My hope for you – regardless of your romantic status – is that you love, and are loved, every day. Please don’t wait for a tomorrow that may never come. When you are given the gift of love - as so many are not – please cherish it and nurture it, every day, in every way you know how, with every ounce of your being.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
To Pay Or Not To Pay…
Question:
Melissa writes: I’m a 33 yr old girl and I date a lot. I find the whole getting the bill part awkward when out with a guy on a first date. Do I pay? Does he pay? Should I always offer? I make a lot of money and I feel like sometimes when I’m out with a guy who probably makes less than me that I should pay. What’s your position on this? Thanks, Melissa.
STACIE SAYS:
Melissa, I’m so glad you asked that question! In my experience, this very issue has been the deal-breaker on so many occasions, however, the affected party wouldn’t have known that was the reason date number two never materialized.
Here’s my take on the whole thing: men are as confused as women are, when it comes to the “who pays” dilemma. Thanks to the feminist movement traditional roles are no longer universally embraced. There are men who genuinely respect women and, in doing so, do not want to offend their sense of independence by insisting on paying the bill. Similarly, there are men who use women’s desire for independence as an excuse to avoid having to pay the bill. There are women (like myself) who, despite being career-oriented and financially independent, would appreciate a man who is happy to pick up the bill, in the name of tradition. Similarly, there are women who are uncomfortable with a man paying for them, especially on a first date, for any number of reasons. So, where does that leave us?
Here are my tips which are meant to apply to men and women alike:
STACIE’S TIP # 1: Know thyself.
If you are woman and feel better when a man pays for you, acknowledge and embrace that without judgment. Same rule applies if you are a woman who prefers to pay for herself or a man who prefers to pay/not pay. The point is – there is no right or wrong. What is key is that you remain true to yourself while being sincere with the person sitting across from you.
STACIE’S TIP # 2: Be deliberate in your actions.
Ladies…how many times have you reached for your wallets to feign interest in splitting the bill only to be secretly furious (or moderately disappointed) when the guy actually accepts your offer? This is unfair on our part and sends the wrong message – especially when the gesture is insincere and only to give off the appearance of being well-mannered. Refer back to tip # 1 and then act accordingly. If you feel strongly that a man should pay on a first date then, when the bill comes, once he realizes that you are not reaching for your wallet, as he grabs the bill and reaches for his (wallet), thank him – genuinely and with appreciation.
STACIE’S TIP # 3: Stick to your guns.
IF your date challenges you, communicate your preference to them, using “I” statements only. For example: “I would feel more comfortable if you and I split the bill because I am not used to having people pay for me, although I really appreciate you wanting to. If you and I decide that we’d like to continue to see each other, and it’s important for you to treat me from time to time then this is something I’m prepared to work on.” It’s very difficult for someone to argue with another person’s feelings, especially when they are clearly articulated and sincerely shared. It is also unusual that someone will force the issue with a person they do not know well.
Melissa – I hope this answers your question. Remember, if your behaviours are not aligned with what you truly want it is you who will pay the price (pun intended) down the road. How you behave on a first date sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
When Is The Right Time To Have Sex?
Question:
A 45 year-old divorcée asks: What are the rules around sex these days? It seems like every man I date is anxious to get me in to their bed…and I mean right from the first date…even if we don’t really know each other that well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude it just seems that if I have sex with someone too soon I’m unhappy with myself and if I wait too long the man disappears.
STACIE SAYS:
Hey Hot Momma! First of all…be flattered that these men want to get you in to their beds. It means that they’re attracted to you, and that’s a good thing…you can’t fault them for that.
I think you answered your own question and I don’t know that I can tell you anything you don’t already know, however, I am happy to put this back into perspective for you and to be your VoR (voice of reason). Here are (some of) my thoughts on sex:
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 1:
There are no universal rules that apply to everyone and only you know what feels right for you.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 2:
Create your own set of rules to guide your dating behaviour and be clear on what they are before meeting a new person. For example, you may implement a “no touching below the pants until Date # 4” rule or a “no sleepovers until I’ve met his kids” rule or a “no sex until we are dating each other exclusively” rule or a “I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want so long as we are practicing safe sex” rule. The beauty of creating your own rules is that you can easily break or modify them as you deem appropriate because they are all yours!
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 3:
If someone is still pressuring you to have sex with them after you have expressed that you’re not comfortable with the idea, move on. Most people who cannot take “no” for an answer are either manipulators or children trapped in adult bodies. Be secretly thankful to them for showing their true colours so early on in the relationship so that you can get the hell out of there.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 4:
Remember that women develop an emotional attachment to their sexual partners faster than men do. This is often where neediness and clinginess comes from. Both genders should wade into the sexual waters understanding this so that expectations can be managed…maybe even discussed upfront. A warning to the ladies: sleeping with a man will not make him like you more, commit to you faster, or ensure exclusivity. If those are your primary or ulterior motives know that you will achieve the complete opposite…in most cases.
STACIE’S THOUGHT # 5:
When two people are themselves around each other – meaning that both people are putting their most authentic feet forward and are behaving naturally – by honouring their feelings and their bodies, the point in the relationship at which the sex occurs becomes irrelevant. You can sleep with someone on the first date and end up marrying them or you can delay intimacy for months, only to find that the person either becomes increasingly distant or complacent, or disappears altogether. The key is to ensure that you’re being true to yourself, doing only what feels good and right for you and that the sex is happening for the “right” reasons.
I hope this answers the question. Good luck, and be safe!!!
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Ball Breaker
Question:
I’m a 27-year old male who like most guys my age is addicted to my Blackberry. I’ve been seeing this girl for a few weeks and the other night she was breaking my balls about never calling her, saying all we do is text. What’s the big deal? I don’t get it. This is the first girl I’ve dated whose complained about this.
STACIE SAYS:
I’m probably the wrong person to offer advice on this topic. I love texting, BBMing, e-mailing – anything that doesn’t involve speaking on the phone. Why that is my – and maybe your – preference begs a lengthier response and discussion. For now, let me try and break this down for you in simple terms. The first question is – do you like this girl and want to continue seeing her? If the answer is “no”…then this is a moot point, right? You can just move on and find a girl who won’t “break your balls”, right? Wrong! Even the most laid-back, casual, “cool” girl out there will eventually want you to pick up a phone. And, if she’s anything like me – Ms. Anti-Telephone – it’s merely out of principle that she wants you to do this. It demonstrates a level of…well, um…commitment and interest. Sorry, I had to use the “c” word. Are you still there? OK, phew, I thought I lost you.
When you make an effort outside of the convenience of texting, BBMing, e-mailing, PIN-ing, WhatsApp-ing it shows the person you’re communicating with that they have your undivided attention. Let’s face it – normally when you’re communicating through your Smartphone – you are also doing something else at the same time. You are distracted at best, unavailable – for all intents and purposes – at worst. It is unrealistic of you to expect to build anything significant with a girl you’re dating if you never pick up a phone so that she can hear your voice. Text to sex, with little in between is a sure-fire way to tell your girl that you’re just not that into her long-term. So, if you don’t see a future with this particular girl and don’t appreciate her “breaking your balls”…move on. Just remember though that when you do meet that girl who you want to hang on to she may not have the courage or the interest to tell you that she doesn’t appreciate your inability to dial a phone. And – ladies – if you’re having a “relationship” with a guy who never calls you – just to say hi, or to make plans – well then, you are probably on the road to Nowhereville.
To get your questions on dating, sex and love answered, please e-mail: info@sittinginatree.com.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Online Dating 2.02
Online daters can have an appealing profile and still find themselves date-less or otherwise dissatisfied with their love lives. The dating profile – very much like the career résumé – is only one of the necessary means to a successful end. It is a marketing tool and, therefore, must be given due consideration. If the marketing tool is not substantiated in “real life” though it becomes null and void. Consider the professional who has an eloquently written, accomplishment-laden résumé which secures them countless interviews for coveted roles, yet they remain unemployed or stuck in their current role. Some reasons this might occur:
a) They are ill-prepared
b) Their self-presentation is lacking (i.e. an image consultant is in their future)
c) They are nervous and it shows
d) Their communication skills are not where they need to be
e) They are not a good “fit” for the organization
Whatever the case may be, dating – and online dating specifically – is not much different. Your profile needs to be substantiated, or at least complemented, by who you are and how you present yourself in a “live” setting.
Here are some tips for you to consider:
Stacie’s Tip # 1: Be engaging
When you are ready to approach someone after having read their profile, put something catchy in the subject line. By the way…wazzup, loved your profile, wanna chat? and hey…are NOT catchy, or original.
Write something that demonstrates that you’ve read their profile. For example, if their profile says that Pulp Fiction is their favourite movie on the planet, and it’s yours too…use a quote from the movie as your subject line. Same thing goes for the body of your message. Keep it short, to the point and appeal to something they’ve said in their profile – it shows interest, your ability to relate to them and acts as a seamless icebreaker. Be sure to ask an open-ended question (one that cannot be answered with “yes” or “no”) to encourage a response.
Stacie’s Tip # 2: Limit your online dating time
Online dating can be overwhelming, addictive, a procrastination tool, an escape, or a source of cheap entertainment and empty companionship. When used properly and efficiently, however, it can be a vehicle to romantic success. If you are actively dating online and your intention is to meet that special someone (rather than becoming/being a professional online dater), try:
a) Spending no more than one hour per day on dating websites
b) Setting a quantitative goal (i.e. send out five e-mails tonight) OR
c) Setting a qualitative goal (i.e. get to know someone better this evening)
Being focused and using your time wisely will help to ensure a better and more enjoyable online dating experience. Roaming aimlessly will ensure you lose your perspective and get swept away in the sea of profiles, most of whom are not a fit for you.
Stacie’s Tip # 3: Revisit your profile
Look for negatively phrased statements. These can easily be reframed to sound more positive without changing the intent. For example, instead of writing: “If you don’t have any pictures posted, and if you’re not hot, don’t bother contacting me” you could write: “I take pride in my appearance and spend a lot of my free time at the gym. I am looking to connect with like-minded people as this is something that is really important to me. I look forward to seeing your pictures and perhaps connecting”. See the difference? Which person would you rather date? I know what you’re thinking but before you say “neither because this person is a shallow jerk”…consider this: isn’t the purpose of dating to find someone with whom we are compatible? Wouldn’t you prefer to know why something is important to someone else upfront? Whether you like the example or not, the point is that when you reframe your negative communications others will naturally respond to you more often, more genuinely, and more positively. Wherever possible, replace “cannot” with “can”, “don’t” with “do”, etc.
Stacie’s Tip # 4: Do not develop an online love affair before meeting
Too often online daters engage in dialogue – whether through the online dating site on which they met, Blackberry Messenger, an instant messaging platform like MSN or AOL, text messages, telephone or regular e-mail – before ever agreeing or deciding to meet in person. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know the person a little bit before meeting them, spending too much time in the absence of a face-to-face meeting – where you don’t yet know whether that elusive “chemistry” will be there – creates too many expectations and places unnecessary pressure on your eventual first meeting. Try to minimize your online discussions to one or two evenings – one hour maximum per exchange – and one or two phone calls. Then…set a date and continue your conversation in person. Try to limit initial contact to phone calls and face-to-face meetings until you’ve determined that you are interested in pursuing each other with the same long-term goal in mind.
Please feel free to contact me at: stacie@sittinginatree.com if you’re currently online dating, considering it or taking a break from it…I would love to hear your stories!
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Variety Is The Spice Of…Dating?
We all know that variety is the spice of life, however, the same seems to apply to dating. Whether you are a serial dater, or in an established relationship, we believe that it’s important to be creative, versatile and adventurous in your dating. Single people often suffer from dating fatigue, especially if they’ve been seeking that special someone for an extended period of time, and couples eventually fall in to routines where ennui is quick to set in. Keeping things exciting and new can rejuvenate and re-energize singles and couples alike!
Here are just a few ideas, “off the top of our head”, to get you started:
1. Model your next date after a pub crawl, minus the drunken debauchery. The idea is to keep moving, explore your city and visit multiple establishments – preferably new ones. For example, start by sipping martinis at a trendy hotspot. Then, hit up a tapas restaurant for appetizers. Then off to a restaurant neither of you have been to, for your entrées. Find a quaint out-of-the-way café for dessert and coffee. Perhaps a nightcap somewhere later? You get the idea. This type of evening works best with little to no advanced planning.
2. Start a “one day” date jar. How many times has your best friend, significant other or dates said to you: “Hey…we should try…, or go to …, one day?” I know that if I had a dollar for every time this has happened to me and I have not taken any action, I’d be on a cruise right now. I was recently on a date and the guy asked me if I had ever been to the racetrack. I said that I had, but he had never been. He said: “We should go one day.” “Sure”, I replied. We never did go, but it was a good idea and I’ve been itching to go ever since. What I should’ve done is written it on a little piece of paper, folded it in half and stuck it in my “one day” date jar. Next time you’re talking with someone about something that you might want to do “one day” make a note of it (or put it somewhere you’ll remember, in your Blackberry or iPhone) and then add it to your date jar (which you’ll keep in plain view) when you get home. Then, next time you’re bored, wanting to impress a date, or just looking for a new experience, reach into that jar and pick out a piece of paper…and then DO whatever that piece of paper says!!!
3. Go to your local coffee shop (and by local, I mean that literally…try and support the local retailers in your neighbourhood versus the large chains, whenever you can) and purchase as many donuts and hot chocolates as you can carry and as your wallet will permit. Sprinkle a little sweetness wherever you go by offering these treats to passersby, homeless people, party-goers, whomever you come across. You are likely to meet interesting people and you never know – you and your date just might be the highlight of someone else’s lonely night.
We’d love to hear about the most unique date you’ve ever been on!
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
“Awkward Silence” Fillers
First dates can be hard. They can be anxiety-filled, frightening and uncomfortable experiences for many. It’s not uncommon for nerves to get in the way of behaving naturally and not everyone has been blessed with the “gift of the gab”. Sometimes conversation doesn’t flow freely or feel as effortless as we may want.
There are a lot of good books, articles and blogs out there with suggested date questions, however, most of them cover the basics, such as:
· How many siblings do you have?
· What did you study at school?
· What do you do for a living?
· What’s your favourite colour?
· What do you like to do for fun?
· What are your hobbies?
· Where was the last place you travelled to?
· What kind of music do you listen to?
· Etc…
We’ve scoured much of the available material and have compiled a list below of some questions that we felt were creative, unique or compelling “awkward silence” fillers…including a few of our own…for those moments where the conversation could use a little boost. We suggest that you make a list that works for you (including whatever fabulous ideas you come up with) and carry it with you – in your pant pocket, wallet, or purse – on all dates, especially those potentially awkward first dates.
Open-ended questions (i.e. those that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”) are usually the best way to go and for the suggestions below, the assumption is that they are followed up with a “why” or “why not” after the person has responded…to keep the conversation going.
1) What are your thoughts on the death penalty?
2) What would you name your autobiography?
3) Which actor/actress would play you in your biopic?
4) How did you ring in the millennium?
5) Where was your first kiss?
6) What is a food you cannot live without?
7) When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up?
8) Who would you most like to be stranded with on a desert island – past or present?
9) What is the craziest dream you remember having?
10) Have you ever broken any bones?
11) What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever seen?
12) Would you rather be wanted or needed?
13) When did you realize that Santa Claus (or the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, etc) was not real?
14) What is your favourite day of the week?
15) If this date had to last 24 hours…what would we do?
If you have any favourites, please go ahead and share them here!
Happy Dating!
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …
Boy Meets Woman
I have an admission to make on this public forum. It’s a realization I’ve recently come to. I am not consistent in meeting self-imposed blog deadlines. When I created this website, a social-marketing-guru-friend (shout-out to HOOPLAH Inc – www.hooplah.com – thanks LH) suggested that I blog “regularly” at whatever interval I felt I could commit to. In being realistic about my capacity and schedule, I “committed” to once a month…more specifically, on the 14th of each month. As I post this on the 15th of February – one day late and following my January delinquency where I posted nothing – I am abandoning this monthly schedule and freeing myself of the undue pressure it’s been creating in my already hectic life. From now on, you’ll just have to check back in here frequently (that is, if you’re remotely interested in reading this blog), or follow us on Twitter (@SittingIn_ATree) or on Facebook (Sitting In A Tree) so that you’re notified each time a new blog gets posted. Regardless of how you stumbled upon this blog today, I’m glad you did and thank you for taking the time.
So, today I want to talk about cougars. I was on a dating website yesterday afternoon – procrastinating writing this blog entry – in search of suitable mates for a few of my matchmaking clients. It’s worth noting that I have my own, legitimate profile on said dating site, and that I’m a 36-year old woman. Shortly after I logged in a 22-year old male requested an IM (instant message) chat with me. I recognized his online name. I don’t often get contacted by 22-year olds (I’m much more popular among the 50+ crowd). I recognized his online name because we had just exchanged messages the week before.
When he contacted me last week and I saw his age…after I threw up a little bit in my mouth…I quickly went to decline his invitation to chat and wanted to make him go away. Something stopped me though. I had just finished coaching a female client the evening before to be more open to talking with any and every man who crossed her path (the rationale for which could be the topic of another blog entry…e-mail me if you’re interested). Less than 24 hours later it seemed hypocritical of me to go against my own advice. So, I found myself clicking the “yes” button, inviting this young man onto my computer screen. I expected him to say something within the first two sentences that would make me regret my decision and allow me to justify ending the chat, but that didn’t happen. He was polite, engaging and full of flattery…but not too much where it seemed disingenuous or cheesy. We chatted for about five minutes, he asked if he could add me to Facebook, I said “sure, why not?”, and that was that.
Yesterday, after I again accepted his invitation to chat, he started with the typical “how was your weekend” banter. He then asked “what have you been up to?” to which I replied “Enjoying life”, to which he replied “have any hot sex?” BOOM!!! with the attitude as my little 6-year old friend Jory would say. And there you have it friends and readers. Online dating at its best (insert sarcasm). I knew what he was hoping for (cyber sex, a real-life encounter – just in case this isn’t obvious), and maybe…just maybe…if I were ten years younger (read: naïve), I might’ve taken the bait (who doesn’t enjoy a bit of flattery?). Being the evolved, liberated woman that I am though, I did respond with “I do not feel comfortable discussing my sex life with cyber friends”, to which he replied “fair enough”. He did, however, continue to pursue and I had to give him credit for trying.
My boundaries are, perhaps, broader than yours…but not to worry. I know where to locate (and how to use) the “Block User” feature on all dating sites. I have my Muay Thai boxing moves ready to go – especially the mean right elbow I’m told will slice a person’s face open. I sleep with knives under my bed (KIDDING). Anyway…point being…while my patience and willingness to engage a horny 22-year old may have far exceeded what is considered “required”, polite or normal, I do not feel that it came at any cost to me. I asked him “have you not yet fulfilled your older woman fantasy?” to which he replied (without hesitation) “nope”. OK…so now you’re certainly wondering why I would continue chatting with this young man and some of you may be thinking “cougar” but the truth is I like to help people and kinda felt sorry for the kid. Here he is…in pursuit of a popular male fantasy and getting nowhere with me. I wanted to both save him some time and give him some pointers. So, I suggested that he not try so hard and that he be more forthcoming with the next woman he meets. The truth is we – as “older women” – usually know what’s going on when a younger man approaches us…especially online. I thought that it might serve the little “cub” well to just put his fantasy “out there” and be patient. I was confident that in doing so, his mission would eventually be accomplished. There are, after all, many women out there seeking “boy toys”…aren’t there? Hence the topic of this blog – cougars.
So…what is a cougar? Does anyone agree on its definition? I’m (obviously?) not talking about the predatory mammal from the family Felidae, native to the Americas but, rather, the term used – quite liberally in my opinion – to describe older women engaging in sexual activity with younger men.
I’ve been called a cougar. I’ve felt like a cougar (hence why I threw up a little bit in my mouth when my 22-year old friend first contacted me). I’ve been accused of wanting to be a cougar. I’ve been told I’m the furthest thing from a cougar. Regardless of the circumstances, I’m never sure how to react. Sometimes I think being called a cougar is a compliment and that I should take it as such. Other times, I shudder at the thought. My challenge is that I don’t know that I fully understand what it means and when I’ve endeavoured to find out (usually through my male network) my genuine curiousity has been misinterpreted as defensiveness and I’m told “don’t worry about it, you’re still hot”. (Such nice friends I have.)
According to Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) there are over 100 definitions of “cougar”, of which these are just a few:
An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.
A woman in her sexual prime who prefers to hunt rather than be hunted. A cougar’s victims are usually under 25, as cougars prefer to mate with men who still have hair. Cougars generally feed and then continue hunting, as they enjoy role reversal.
Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name “Cougar.”
Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don’t have to sneak up and attack…they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won’t ask if they’ll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing.
I would love to hear from you on all matters “cougar’. What do you think about cougars? What do you think about relationships involving older women and younger men? What have you experienced? Tell me – here or by e-mailing stacie@sittinginatree.com. Until next time.
Stacie
Inspiring a Love Movement …